Bad golfers are a misunderstood breed, especially by their par-breaking (or better) brothers and sisters.
Most really good, or even decent, golfers just don’t understand how some of us less-talented swingers of clubs, can be so bad. Well, make that terrible.
First, let me make this clear — we don’t want to be bad. It’s just a gift.
Today, in the space allotted me by this newspaper, I will attempt to bridge the communication gap between you good golfers and us of the pitiful persuasion.
We don’t want to swing and miss at the ball. We don’t want to lose more balls than holes we play. We don’t want to keep you waiting as we try to beat our golf balls to death one painful mishit at a time. It’s just who we are.
I’ve had more than one good golfer advise me to “just aim the ball in the direction you want it to go.” My very civil response to that is — “HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!” We poor golfers have long graduated from the frustrating idea of the ball going where we want it to. In fact the more gifted of us poor golfers have abandoned such foolish strategy. Now we set our sites on a direction we don’t want the ball to go, hoping it will do what it usually does and go in a total different direction, which in fact, often turns into a good shot.
You don’t understand that strategy? That means you must be really good at golf, because those of us who aren’t just have to do what we have to do.
Club selection of the bad golfer also baffles those who manage to make more pars than triple bogeys. What looks like the right distance for a crisp 9-iron for you, appears to be more like the best place to unleash a miss-hit 5-iron to me. If you are going to be a terrible golfer, then you must play to your terribleness.
Here is another little tidbit you may need to know. Bad golfers know they are going to lose golf balls and don’t spend a lot fo time worrying about it. That’s why we buy cheap ones. And I ofter hear this argument against that thought-process: “If you bought better golf balls you would hit the ball further.” Now just why would I want to hit the ball further into the woods or the lake? Lost is lost. You don’t get bonus points for very lost.
So while I may hold you up if you are playing behind me, it won’t be because I am looking for my golf ball. I would have to travel across the next fairway to find some of my shots. I’ve actually been known to hit a beautiful shot onto the green … two fairways over. It can happen. Trust me.
But, that being said, I really don’t get angry. I’ve honestly seen more good golfers get upset at their bad shots than poor golfers do. We just don’t stress out about such things.
I love watching golf on television. I see the ball take off after what appears to be a perfect strike, then I can tell by the golfer’s reaction that he or she is very unhappy. Then I see the ball land on the green some 30 feet away from the hole. The golfer is devastated. That’s unfathomable to us poor golfers. We would be ecstatic with such a shot.
I’ve awesome discussed how poor of a golfer I am, suggesting that perhaps I’m the worst golfer I’ve ever seen. There are some who doubt this, but I have two pieces of evidence to the contrary.
Exhibit one: My longtime friend Dee Outlaw has been trying to organize a challenge between myself and a couple buddies to prove who is actually the worst golfer around. I told Dee what I thought I would be lucky to shoot, but he didn’t believe it.
When I sent him a text reporting what I had shot on the last two rounds of golf I played, he simply replied — “You Win!.” As in, you truly are the worst.
But, my desire is to get better, so who knows I might even get to putt for birdie on my own green some day, instead of one two holes over.
Exhibit two: Those two buddies who were so eager to play with me last March to see who was the worst golfer can’t seem to find a date that works for them. When you are so bad, that even other self-proclaimed bad golfers don’t want to play with you it can only mean one thing — you truly are the worst!
Until we meet again … FORE!!!
Austin Bishop, AKA The Old Sports Dude, has been covering high school, college, amateur, and professional sports since 1975. He is currently pastor of Great Commission Assembly of God in Philadelphia, Miss. He may be contacted by email at starsportsboss@yahoo.com or by phone at 601-938-2471.
