Perhaps one of the most common phrases I hear in my line of work as a licensed professional counselor is that “I have to be strong about this.” Over the 10 years I’ve met with clients and heard people say this, it’s usually meant that they are going through something really difficult, whether that be the loss of a family member or a difficult family situation, but that they don’t want to let those around them see how this difficult situation is affecting them.
The most common reason I hear about why it’s important to “be strong” is that we want others to be able to see us as dependable, that they can trust that we’ve got it together so they don’t have to worry. Parents have said this to me in the midst of their grief; they need to be strong for their kids, who depend on them and look to them to lead their family. Spouses have said this to me in the midst of the hardships of life, that they have to put on the front that things are going to be alright so that their partner doesn’t worry about things. Adolescents have said this to me as they navigate their parents divorcing, as they don’t want their other siblings or their parents to worry about them.
At its core, the idea of “being strong” through the difficulties of life is often tied to our desire to take care of others. We want them to not have to worry about us as we navigate whatever storm life has thrown at us. The last thing we want to do is to throw our own baggage onto them and cause them to worry about us!
However, I’ve found that “being strong” seems to have two main hindrances. First, it seems to keep people from talking about what they are going through. When we put on a persona of invincibility, it effectively communicates to others that we don’t want to talk about what’s going on. They might see some of the chinks in our armor, but by taking a position of “I’m good and you don’t have to worry about me,” it comes across as “Don’t bother me; I’ll handle this alone.”
Second, it seems to keep us feeling alone. If we can’t talk about what’s going on because we won’t be strong anymore, then we are effectively alone in handling whatever circumstances are on our plate. We don’t want to be a burden to others, but in doing so we cut ourselves off from the potential listening ears that could help us manage the stress of life.
Finally, “being strong” really communicates to those we care about that we aren’t willing to be vulnerable with them. Often times the people close to you can tell when you’re going through something difficult. When we don’t talk to our closest, most trusted people about what we’re going through, we send them the message that we don’t want to be vulnerable and share our burdens with them.
In my experience, “being strong” is actually the opposite of our current approach to it. It takes strength to be vulnerable and share what’s going on with those around us. It takes strength to enter into the arena of dealing with the difficulties of life and talking about what we’re going through, rather than trying to distract ourselves from it with our phones and social media. It takes strength and courage to call up a friend or family member and tell them that you’re having a difficult time, that things aren’t alright. Let’s be willing to “be strong” in that way, not in the way the isolates us.
• Mischa McCray is a licensed professional counselor and licensed marriage and family therapist in Greenwood. He can be reached at mmccray@wpcgreenwood.org.
