Question: Is it acceptable for parents to read our teenage daughter's journal, or go through her room, if we suspect she might be involved in some kind of unhealthy activity? And what if we do find evidence that something disturbing is occurring?
Jim: It's difficult to give a definitive response without knowing a lot more about you, your daughter, and the specifics of the case. But in a very broad sense, the answer would be yes: As parents, you do have a right to check on your kids when circumstances seem to merit it. The guiding factor here is a parent's duty to protect your child from dangers, temptations and threats of any kind.
From there, think in terms of four simple principles that are absolutely essential when it comes to parenting teens successfully -- connection, context, conversation and consequences.
Connection is all about the history of your relationship with your child. Do you talk and touch base regularly? Is she accustomed to mom checking up on her occasionally in a loving way since she was small? Or has a sense of estrangement and distrust been allowed to creep into your interactions with one another?
Context has to do with your perception of her character. Generally speaking, is she a "good girl" or not? Are your suspicions based on established patterns of negative behavior? Or is she the kind of child for whom "unhealthy activity" would be a serious exception to the rule?
Conversation. If, on the basis of connection and context, you decide to dip into your daughter's journal -- and find your fears confirmed -- you'll need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. Consequences is the final step if "something disturbing" has indeed been happening. Everything depends upon the circumstances. If your daughter has become involved with individuals who negatively influence her behavior, make sure that those ties are cut. Other measures, such as grounding or social media restrictions, may be appropriate.
Of course, it's possible that the problem isn't a question of morality or safety at all. If you discover that your daughter is just struggling with emotional issues, relational challenges, spiritual doubts or questions of self-esteem, then take a subtler approach without mentioning the diary entry at all.
