Question: My in-laws like to host extravagant get-togethers with all the relatives; this year they're "going extra big" for the holidays because gatherings didn't happen last year. But these events are always marked by tension and arguments among extended family members. I don't want to offend my husband or his parents, but I'm tired of all the conflict. Can you suggest a solution?
Jim: This certainly isn't a unique situation; in fact, it's fairly common. Many family gatherings that should be warm and loving end up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations. But "common" isn't the same thing as "unavoidable." As I see it, you have several alternatives.
One option is to be honest. Tell your in-laws that you appreciate their thoughtful invitation, but you simply aren't going to be able to join the party. There's no need to defend yourself or offer a long explanation; just state your position and leave it at that. Of course, you and your spouse have to be in complete agreement on this course.
A second choice is to attend the gathering but minimize contact. If travel is involved, stay at a hotel instead of your in-laws' home. Tell them that you're looking forward to spending time with them, but you don't want to get caught up in a feud between other members of the family. If the party does disintegrate into a shouting match, politely excuse yourselves and head for home.
There's also a third option, which is to approach the next family gathering from a different perspective. Try to see it as a time for reaching out in kindness and grace, even when that's challenging. Look for opportunities to extend love to some unlovely people -- and/or connect with others "on the sidelines." You may end up having a bigger impact in all their lives than you might suspect.
